I am 100% opposed to
embarrassing children into compliance. Every time I see the pictures
demonstrating that a parent has done this, I cringe at all of the
totally sincere comments claiming that here is the Parent Of The
Year. I feel this way because children are human beings, and all
human beings deserve to be treated with respect. Embarrassing someone
is incredibly disrespectful, and not the way we would treat other people we care about.
Worse, it damages a
relationship that really needs to be strong. If you want a child to
listen to you – to respect your ideas and hopefully choose to
follow your guidance – you absolutely have to have a good
relationship with them. That doesn't mean they will always agree with
you or never be angry with you, or vice-versa! It simply means that
when you have a conflict, you resolve it together, as a team, instead
of making it into a power struggle with one person winning and one
person losing. Honestly, even the “winner” in that scenario is
losing because of the damage it causes to the relationship.
I think a lot of people
choose to punish because they don't know what else to do. Most of us
were raised in a punitive household, and today the mainstream opinion
is that if you don't punish, you're not really parenting. This
punishment takes a lot of forms – spankings, embarrassment,
time-outs or grounding (isolation), removal of “privileges”, and
so on. But every one of these scenarios turns the situation into a Me
vs You for the child. It breeds resentment and makes him consider you
his enemy.
If the goal is short term
compliance, then yes. All of those methods are effective at getting
short term compliance. And in the moment, that may be your goal. But
when you've stepped out of the immediate situation, I think we would
all agree that the goal is to help your child become an adult with
strong decision making skills and good ethics – the kind of person
who can create the kind of life he or she wants, and be self
sufficient, without hurting other people to get there.
With that goal in mind,
take a look
at the
current
research.
All of those methods that are so effective for short term compliance
actually damage the child's chances of reaching the long term goal!
(Alfie Kohn has done
a lot of research about this.) What has been proven effective
basically boils down to responsiveness; effectively the opposite of
what is generally considered in the parenting toolbox.
Responsiveness
is not the same as permissiveness, though. Limits are absolutely
important, and sometimes they do need to be strong. It can be a
struggle for parents to walk that line, especially in a culture where
we haven't had a lot of exposure to that kind of parenting. Often we
don't have previous experiences to look back on, and draw from, that
relate to the situation we're experiencing.
The solution to this
dilemma is always to consider the ultimate goal. You need a course of
action that encourages the child to want to obey the rule,
even if you would never know it had been broken. They need
internal motivation.
This takes different forms
at different ages, and with different personalities. Toddlers, for
example, need short, firm, and consistent messages about what is
okay. They need real empathy when they desperately want something they
can't have, but they also need to know that the boundaries are firm.
They could never verbalize this, of course, but they are depending on
the parent or caregiver to keep them safe in a world they don't yet
understand. At this age the process is all about cause and effect; a
rudimentary understanding of their individual capacity to affect the
things around them. When they break rules, they are not deliberately
being defiant; they are just experimenting. They need to know their
caregivers understand that, because it's basically their whole
existence.
This understanding in the
toddler years also builds a strong foundation for later, when the dangers your child will encounter are not so black and
white. If they are used to being understood and know they can rely on
your empathy, they are a lot more likely to ask and take your advice.
For most older children,
understanding your reasons can be a significant factor. Depending on
the child, explanations of the rules during a neutral moment can
begin between the ages of 3 and 6. For a child on the young end of
that range, the explanations should be very simple, but as the child
matures the explanations can begin to cover more of the gray areas.
You can explore the situation together, and your child can help come
up with the rules. They are much more likely to follow rules that
they've created!
The older children get,
the more they need to practice decision-making skills, so giving them
practice early on will help when they get to the point where the
decisions have many more factors. For example, a teenager can help
determine the rules about curfews, driving, phone use, and so on. You
make the decision together, as a family, and find a compromise you
all feel comfortable with.
For example, the image
that prompted this post was a photo of a man wearing short shorts,
with spandex bike shorts underneath, and a shirt that said, “Ask my
girls if they still think short shorts are 'soo cute'!!” This is a
commonly lauded approach of the punitive sort. So what might have been more effective?
I would start by having a
conversation with the girls about modesty and privacy, and our family
values. I would give a limit, such as the length of shorts I found
acceptable, and explain how that limit related to our family values.
Then I would ask for their feedback. I would find out why they wanted
short shorts, even if I thought I already knew. Then I would
restate it to them in my own words, so they would know I
understood their position. In most cases, the underlying desire is
something that can be fulfilled in a different way. These girls
likely wanted to wear clothing that would be accepted and admired by
their peers, which is reasonable, understandable, and crucial for
positive self-esteem and peer relationships. At that age, they are
better able to define what their peers will accept, so their feedback
is incredibly important – but if short shorts are in conflict with
family values, then a compromise would mean finding other clothes
that are still stylish and acceptable, but more modest. That way the
ultimate goals and needs of each family member would be met.
The basic form of that
discussion should work for most children over the age of six, with
the different factors being simplified or expanded to meet your
child's cognitive level.
It's also important to
remember that fairness and justice are extremely important factors to
an elementary child or teenager. If they see a discrepancy, they are
not likely to accept it, unless there is a justifiable reason for the
difference. If they know how they can reach some new freedom, such as
a later bedtime or larger play range, they are a lot more likely to
accept restrictions while they're working toward it, because the power is in their hands.
Have you had any of these
conversations with your children? How have they worked out for your
family?
